Whither The Figgis Agency?
by Red Witch
Summary: After the events of the Deadly Velvet incident several members of the Figgis Agency ponder their next move.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is still in a coma. Here's what I think might have happened after the events of Season Seven. Takes place right after Archer Hospital.**

 **Whither The Figgis Agency? **

"God Damn it Cyril," Pam grumbled as she downed a drink. "I know you're desperate for Lana's lady biz but even for **you** …"

She was at back at the Figgis Agency bullpen with Cyril, Krieger and Cheryl. Cheryl had found a blue dress from somewhere and put it on, replacing the towel she wore earlier. She still had her cornrows.

"What?" Cyril snapped. He had a black eye and his face was still swollen and red from the severe slappings he received.

"Let me explain something called simple human decency," Krieger gave Cyril a look.

"This is very ironic considering the source," Cheryl spoke up.

"Shut up," Krieger looked at Cheryl.

He then went back to Cyril. "Cyril that even **I** know it's wrong to hit on Lana before Archer has even settled into his coma! I mean what were you **thinking?** "

"He was thinking he wanted to get it on with Lana now that he's out like a candle!" Cheryl scoffed.

Pam went on. "How do you **think** Lana was feeling after the whole incident? Archer's dead in the pool, no wait he's alive! It was the robot all along. Now he's proposing to Lana! No wait, it was the robot and the **real Archer** is lying dead in a pool! No wait! He's not dead but in a coma! Seriously? Where do you think **her head** was at?"

"It's…" Cheryl began.

"Figuratively," Pam glared at Cheryl.

"Oh," Cheryl said.

"Sorry for the slappin' Cyril but you had it coming," Pam said. "You were Archer bad back there."

"I was **not!** " Cyril protested.

"Yeah you were!" Pam told him. "It was like all those times Archer was hitting on the widow at a funeral when one of the agents died back at the spy agency!"

"Oh God…" Realization hit Cyril like one of Lana's hands. "I did, didn't I?"

"What were you **thinking**?" Pam asked. "I know what you were thinking **with** …"

"I don't know! It just came out!" Cyril snapped. "Besides **you're** one to talk! You say inappropriate things all the time!"

"Not to mention you've had a few sexual assaults in your past," Krieger remarked. "At least Cyril was asking for permission."

"We're not talking about me this time," Pam said. "Damn it Cyril, don't you think Lana is messed up **enough** after all she's been through today without you crawling all over her like some kind of pathetic worm?"

"Too soon?" Cyril asked.

"Way too soon," Pam glared at him.

"Inappropes," Krieger agreed.

"Way inappropes," Cheryl nodded.

"Well I'm not going to lie," Cyril shrugged. "I'm not exactly devastated that Archer got what was coming to him. It was worth getting slapped to see that bastard get his."

"You're gonna get slapped **again** if you keep talking like that," Pam warned.

"What do you want me to do Pam? Lie?" Cyril snapped as he went to pour himself another drink of scotch. "He's made my life a living hell! He's made all our lives a living hell!"

"Cyril kind of has a point," Cheryl said. "Plus Archer had sex with an old person! Ewwwww!"

"It's not my fault Archer failed the test!" Cyril snapped.

"What test?" Pam asked.

"Ugh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "The test was for Mr. Archer to come crawling back to Lana and beg her forgiveness and **not** sleep with Veronica Old Vagina Deane! Come on! It was soooo obvious!"

"See?" Cyril pointed at Cheryl. "Cheryl gets it! And let's not forget, Archer is the one who let Lana hang out to dry with the cops! Not me! I'm **not** the one who tried to pin a murder rap on Lana as a joke!"

"That was pretty shitty of him I gotta admit," Pam shrugged.

"Damn right!" Cyril snapped. "And Archer would never have been shot like that if he didn't make such a stupid, stupid, stupid plan! Which again, he wouldn't have needed to do if he hadn't let Lana get arrested in the **first place**!"

"You know when he puts it like that," Krieger remarked. "It is kind of Archer's own fault he's in this mess."

"That's because **it is** his own fault!" Cyril snapped. "Like every other disaster we have around here. Only **this time** , Archer's the one paying the price for his **own mistakes!"**

"He has been a bit overdrawn at the Bank of Karma for a long time," Pam admitted.

"Face it, Archer got himself in his own mess and for once his **mommy** can't bail him out of it!" Cyril said as he took a drink.

"A break from Archer isn't so bad. Maybe some time apart from him wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for us?" Cheryl shrugged.

"Archer is in **a coma!"** Pam glared at Cheryl.

"Again," Cheryl reminded her. "Not the worst thing in the world for **us.** "

Cyril groaned. "Unfortunately, Archer being in a coma is the **least** of our worries with the mess he left behind for us!"

"What do you mean by Archer being in a coma is the **least** of our worries?" Pam snapped.

"Figure it out Pam Spade," Cyril snapped. "For starters we're an agent down. And as bad as Archer was he was still better than…Well…" He looked at Cheryl. " **Some** people around here. But that's not the real issue."

"What is?" Pam asked.

"Yeah what?" Cheryl blinked.

Cyril sighed as he sat down. "We've been involved in the murder of a major Hollywood star/director by **another** major Hollywood star as well as a giant insurance scam that probably involves half of Hollywood."

"But we solved the murder," Pam said. "And uncovered the insurance scam. That's good right?"

"Not good," Cyril gave her a look. "Considering Archer was sexually involved with Veronica Deane. As well as involved in the deaths of both Ivy and Whitney at the hedge fund company…Which at this very moment is on the verge of bankruptcy and closing its doors forever! Because the two guys that ran the whole scheme are **dead!** "

"Again, so?" Pam asked.

"Ivy and Whitney were masterminding the insurance fraud scheme," Cyril was frustrated. "Which means they probably had to get their capital from somewhere. And I'm pretty sure they weren't using their own money to fund the project."

"What do you mean?" Pam asked.

"Haven't you been watching the news?" Cyril snapped.

"Does the Naked News count?" Pam asked.

"I read the Onion!" Krieger beamed. "And the Sewer Street Journal."

"That comes on the same time as cartoons doesn't it?" Cheryl asked.

Cyril gave them a look. "Well if you had been watching the **real news** , you would know that the firm of Stratford and Whitney has been tanking ever since they died. Especially since a lot of their money is missing. And a lot of clients' money is missing!"

"Wait are you saying…?" Krieger did a double take.

"That Whitney and Ivy ran a Ponzi scheme Bernie Madoff would be proud of," Cyril groaned. "So it stands to reason there's an account somewhere in the Cayman Islands that only they knew about…"

"And without them that money is going to be lost for a very long time," Pam realized. "Boy can you imagine the interest rates on those babies?"

"Can **you** imagine all the ticked off rich powerful people in this town that are no longer rich?" Cyril snapped. "Or at the very least a few million poorer. And if they find out our agency had a hand in that…Sooner or later somebody is going to put two and two together!"

"It's four," Cheryl said. "Two and two is four."

"Calm down," Pam said. "They don't know about Archer and Ivy. There's nothing to connect us to that."

"Well what if someone from County Day or Stratford and Whitney mentions seeing Archer and Ivy together?" Cyril asked.

"Then they'd have something," Pam remarked.

"And there's more," Cyril groaned. "You know this scandal with Veronica Deane is going to make the news? Big news! Which means it's very likely Archer and this agency will be mentioned. And everyone affiliated with it. Which means somewhere some news hound or pack of news hounds are going to run a background check. On **all** of us!"

"And considering our agency's history has had more scandals than TMZ…" Krieger realized. "Uh oh…"

"I wouldn't be surprised if someone hired another detective agency to find out dirt on us!" Cyril groaned.

"And there's enough of it to make a dozen playgrounds," Pam realized. "Okay I see why you're worried now."

"Maybe they won't mention us?" Cheryl asked. "I mean the cops seemed pretty okay to cover up for Veronica Deane."

"That's because you, Shapiro and Archer turned on her like the fattest pig in the sausage factory!" Pam snapped.

"I wanted to try cornrows!" Cheryl pouted. "Which turns out are not as much fun as I thought they would be."

"Plus you love getting Lana in trouble," Cyril glared at her.

"Yeah I do," Cheryl grinned. "Not as much as getting Ms. Archer in trouble but in a pinch she'll do."

Cyril looked at Pam. "And you were calling **me** inappropriate?"

"I admit in comparison you're not as bad," Pam shrugged.

"That's all I'm saying," Cyril said. "So we need to figure out a strategy on what to do next!"

"I know what I'm doing," Pam stood up and burped. "I'm going out to get something to drink and eat. There's this bar downtown that whips up a killer Mexican omelet. And washing it down with a few margaritas won't hurt either."

"I could eat," Cheryl brightened. "I'll skip the omelet and go straight for the margaritas! Oooh! And nuts!"

"You are what you eat," Krieger quipped.

"Are you **kidding** me?" Cyril shouted. "Archer's in a coma. Ms. Archer is a few steps from having a nervous breakdown. Lana is probably right behind her. Our agency just lost a client and a source of income. And we are in the middle of a major scandal that could shut us down for good and you want to go to a **bar?"**

"Calm down Figgis Newton," Pam waved. "Look the one thing you **can** count on in this world is Ms. Archer's survival instincts. Just give her a little space and she'll come up with something."

"That's what I'm worried about," Cyril groaned.

"Remember the time she shot Archer six times in the chest when he was being mind controlled by that Russian microchip?" Krieger said. "Damn that's sexy!"

"Sploosh," Pam agreed.

"Again…" Cyril groaned. "You all got on **my case** for being inappropriate?"

"Oh stop being a drama queen," Pam waved. "Krieger are you in?"

"Nah I gotta work on my ruined robots," Krieger shrugged. "I've got some frozen blintzes I can heat up."

"More for us," Cheryl got up. "Speaking of which…You're right Cyril. Technically Archer and Lana are still on a break…And I could always head back to the hospital to have a little fun with Archer if you get my drift."

"God help me I do," Cyril groaned.

"I was talking about having sex with him," Cheryl said. Everyone else gave her a look. "What?"

"You're planning on having sex with Archer while he's in **a coma?"** Cyril shouted.

"Depends on if he has morning wood or not," Cheryl said. "Wait do people get morning wood in comas?"

"Depends on the type of coma," Krieger shrugged.

"It's not like I haven't done it before but it's been a while," Cheryl shrugged.

"I don't even want to know…" Cyril winced.

"Yeah I've done it once or twice with a guy that was passed out too," Pam asked.

"Yes I'm pretty sure I was **one** of them!" Cyril gave her a look.

"You came back for seconds if I recall," Pam smirked.

"Oh God I did," Cyril groaned.

"Me too," Krieger and Cheryl said at the same time.

"Come on Skinny Minnie!" Pam called out to Cheryl. "Let's go have some drinks and breakfast and see if we can pick up some drunk guys. Hey maybe those cornrows can attract some black guys!"

"Oooh! Strong black guys who can choke me!" Cheryl grinned. "I'm in!"

"See ya around, Circus Clowns!" Pam called out as they left. "Say Cheryl if you do give Archer a Sleeping Beauty will you let me watch?"

"Not like you haven't done it before," Cheryl shrugged.

"And they think I'm the **bad guy** for hitting on Lana?" Cyril was stunned. " **I'm** the one who's being _inappropriate_? Can you **believe** this?"

"I can see where their moral high ground is slightly eroded," Krieger nodded. "So does this mean the meeting is over?"

"Looks like," Cyril sighed.

"Good. Because I have a lot of repairs to do," Krieger nodded. "Bullet holes just don't remove themselves you know?"

"One more thing Krieger," Cyril said. "Uh you said you had robot clones of **all** of us? Does that include Lana?"

"Yeah why…?" Krieger did a double take. "Oh no…"

"Oh yeah," Cyril had a gleam in his eye. "So could you do me a solid and program that one…?"

"You know the only reason I'm doing it is because I don't have any moral high ground on this?" Krieger sighed as they went to the lab. "And let's be honest. Robot Cyborg sex is pretty hot."

"So you've done it before?" Cyril blinked. "Not with the Lana Bot?"

"Oh no, God no! That would be weird," Krieger scoffed. "I mean I did use a lot of pictures so I would get her body right. But no, I didn't have sex with her."

"Okay…" Cyril blinked. "So I'm assuming you had sex with either the Cheryl Bot or the Pam Bot?"

"Why would I have sex with either the Pam or Cheryl Bots when I can have sex with the real thing pretty much whenever I want?" Krieger asked. "With the right drug combination that is."

"I'm going to pretend that's totally not creepy," Cyril groaned.

"Yeah the man who wants to have sex with the robot that looks like his ex-girlfriend is going to judge," Krieger rolled his eyes.

"Point taken," Cyril sighed.

"Just give me a few minutes to get it set up," Krieger shrugged.

"Wait, Krieger you said you had sex with a robot clone," Cyril realized. "So if it's not Lana or Pam or Cheryl…Please tell me it was Ray!"

"Again why would I need to have sex with a robot version of Ray when I can just have sex with the **real one**?" Krieger asked. "Who is **part robot**! I mean I haven't but I know all I need is to ask and have a good bottle of scotch and I'm in."

"How would you know something like that?" Cyril did a double take.

"I asked," Krieger said. "I haven't done anything yet but it's nice to keep my options open."

"So that leaves…?" Cyril blinked.

"Ms. Archer," Krieger said. "She's a real tiger! Grrrrr!"

"Still not even the most inappropriate guy in **this room** ," Cyril groaned. "Let alone this agency!"


End file.
